11 Months Old Today

To My Dearest Baby Girl Gabriella,

Today at 1:02 pm you will officially turn 11 months-old. I can hardly believe it. It really seems like just yesterday we were lying in the hospital watching that heart-rate monitor dip and rise. That day went so fast yet each moment is frozen in my mind. March 10, 2004 was the happiest day of my life because that was the day that you were born!

You are my sweet little bit and boy have changed and grown a lot since that day. You are of course bigger, but still little at the same time. Your personality shines brighter with each day, and you definatly were born with an attitude and spunk all your own! I have been told that you and your friend Autumn sassed little Ryan at school last week. Apparently, you even stamped your foot in defiance and told the poor boy off! Good Going Little Bit! Keep it up!

You are so active now too! You are walking more often and are much more steady on your feet. Last weekend, your Aunt Jodi told us that she thinks you will be walking by the end of this week and you know what, she was right! You are literally all over the place these days! Almost like a little monkey trying to climb up and over things. You love hanging upside down and squeal with delight as you hang there. That ever-present giggle echoing throughout the house. My God how I love that giggle.

You have changed so much, yet are still so much the same too. You still have chubby cheeks, but your face is longer. You still have hair, just more of it. Your eyes are turning browner and your cheeks are getting rosier. You love feeding yourself now and always want to eat what we are eating. Your affectionate and love to cuddle, but let us know when you want to be independent too.

The other day as we drove home from Momma Jo's, I caught you singing along to your CD. It was playing the song about the fishies going over the dam and you were actually singing to it. My heart just melted. I have never heard a sweeter song than yours.

Now for your dancing...boy can you move! Seriously, you bend your knees, dramatically sway your hips and bob your head like you are Jennifer Lopez. It is quite the sight to see! My goal this weekend is to catch you dancing on tape so I can capture these memories before they slip away.

Slipping away is exactly how I feel this year has been. Time has passed so very fast and you have grown so very much! I love watching you grow, watching you learn and trying to figure out how things work. Yet, a part of me mourns the past, the times when you were oh so little and tiny. When you and I cuddled as I held you in my arms and sang you to sleep. Those moments are still here too though, especially when I nurse you and see your big brown eyes memorizing my face or staring into my own big brown eyes. I am learning that motherhood is filled with bittersweet experiences, each worth having and treasuring always. And that is just what I plan to do today and everyday - to treasure you and everything about you. So, Happy 11 Month Birthday My Sweetheart! You are such a joy and pleasure and I love you very, very much yesterday, today, tomorrow and always.

XOXOXOXOXOXOXOXO

Your Mommy

The Three Amigos

Last night, Miss Gabs had a fine time playing with her cousins over at their house. This is something she has done before, but the main difference now is that she is starting to walk and is even more curious about her surroundings nowadays. So, I dare say that Gabby saw last evening's visit as a grand exploration of new territory. Carter and Evan's territory.

So, they played and took toys away from one another and played some more. They shared sippy cups and attempted on more than one occassion to share bottles too, which was not a good idea since Gabby's was filled with breastmilk and Carter and Evan's was filled with whole milk and mixing them up just shouldn't happen. They fed themselves and tried to feed one another too, sometimes taking the other's food for themselves instead of being waited to be fed. To the naked eye, the interactions between the three of them probably seemed pretty normal for kids their age. But, to me, a whole other dynamic was at work.

Can I just take a moment to say how cute, yet how different they all are? Gabby with her big brown eyes, dark hair, petite little body and full face; Carter with his round head, big blue eyes, slight amount of hair and stocky build; and Evan with his equally gorgeous blue eyes, mischievious smile, blond hair and fair skin. Although they are cousins, they really have no physical features in common. Personality wise, they are each their own unique selves too.

In comparison to his brother, Mr. Carter seems to be a bit more affectionate with Gabby. He reaches out to touch her and shares a huge smile. Or he will bring her a treasure (like a tupperware lid or this minature airplane with two funny looking heads poking out of it) that he fully expects her to not only accept, but enjoy immensly. On his own, Carter is a bit of a character. He has a grand time stomping around and telling people off. He looks so much like my brother as a baby that it is almost surreal. Yet, he clearly has his own unique personality. He has a sweet little mouth surrounded by big, rosy cheeks. I just love that little guy!

Then there is sweet Evan. Evie also holds a special place in my heart. For starters, who can resist his cuddles???? I think that one of my favorite things about Evan is his voice. He can make sounds in this deep, husky voice then come out with a high-pitched "wow" immediatly after. His voice has a Scooby-Doo character to it, you know when Scooby says something and that last syllable hangs in the air at a slightly higher pitch? Physically, Evan looks a bit more like his mother's side of the family and not much like Carter at all. Again, he has is own personality too. Evan also seems to enjoy time with Gabby, but he definatly challenges her more than his brother does. He won't hesitate to take a toy away from her, although he does so very gently! The funny thing is, he seems most shocked when she fights back! And who could blame him? Gabs isn't very big, but she can pack a punch.

Seeing Gabby lined up next to her cousins, one is reminded of just how little she really is. They easily have 5 inches and probably 10 pounds on her! Yet, she seems to be able to hold her own. Her eyes light up when she sees them and I have caught her watching and learning from them more than once. She is surrounded by kids at her "school" all day long, so the novelty of two more little kids isn't what makes her want to play. I honestly think that they somehow know that they are cousins and always will be. Not in the sense that an adult would think of this, but more in the sense that there is a consistency in how often and where they see one another. Whatever it is, they have fun together and nothing could make me happier about that.

So last night as they played with toys in Nick and Jodi's living room, I watched them interract. I watched Carter bring a book to Gabby. I watched Evan marvel at a big, bouncing green ball. I watched as Gabby spied Carter and Evan playing ring around the rosie, in awe of their motor skills in all likelihood. I watched as Evan took whatever Gabby seemed to be interested in, as Carter stomped away on the hard wood floors, as Gabby bounced a miniature basketball in a way that would make her Daddy proud. I watched as Carter and then Evan got down on their hands and knees and followed Gabby in a crawling parade. I watched as they would share a secret and smile with one another, slightly envious that I wasn't privy to their inside jokes. I watched three sets of gorgeous big eyes stare in wonder as my Mother attempted to bounce a ball (make that four sets of eyes because I was in a state of wonder too!).

And all the time I watched, I was reminded that not too long ago, none of this seemed possible.

There was a time when I thought my only option would be to watch this merriment in somebody else's child's eyes. A time when I wondered if I would ever be a mother, cursing the possibilty of fate cruelly denying me the one thing I always envisioned myself being. Jodi and I have often remarked on how much everything has changed and how very lucky we truly are. We have both had the same worry that motherhood might not ever find us. I can say without any hesitation that those were the most desparate days of my life thusfar.

Then came Carter, Evan and Gabby.

And now, not only am I a mother, but I am equally blessed to be an aunt! How very lucky we all are to have these three amigos amongst us! To not only be able to watch them play together, but also watch them grow together. These three little kiddos have their entire lives ahead of them and I, for one, am so happy to be along for the ride!

Yay for breastfeeding!

According to an article I read yesterday in the Salt Lake Tribune (http://sltrib.com/nationworld/ci_2557771), the American Academy of Pediatrics now admits that breastmilk is "uniquely superior" to infant formula. Duh. They also now recommend:

• mothers are urged to sleep in close proximity to their babies to facilitate feeding
• breastfeed exclusively for six months
• continue breastfeeding until the baby is at least 1 year old, and that there is nothing wrong with a child continuing to breastfeed into the third year of life or longer. (This is actually pretty common in other societies. In fact, the World Health Organization actually advises mothers to breastfeed for at least two years!).

They also challenge society to be more accepting of breastfeeding in general, even going so far as to encourage legislation protecting it, setting expectations in the workplace, and making it a consideration in child custody cases! Among other things, breastfeeding:

• helps fight infectious diseases in infants
• provides optimal growth and neurological development
• increases a child's immunity
• lowers the rate of pneumonia, neonatal sepsis and giardia
• decreases the incidence of SIDS
• breastfed babies get sick less often and when they do get sick, their illnesses tend to be less severe
• lowers the rate of allergies
• decreases hospitilizations and lowers the rate of mortality
• decreases the likelihood of ear infections (except in Gabby's case! LOL), diarrhea, urinary tract problems and asthma.
• raises IQ
• helps prevent diabetes, obesity, leukemia and other diseases.
• helps bond mother and child
• reduces the risk of ovarian, uterine, endometrial and breast cancers in the mother
• protects against osteoporosis in the mother
• reduces the incidence of lymphoma
• fosters confidence and self-esteem
• provides protection against measles, meningitis and hypothermia
• helps mom lose weight faster and easier then if they chose to formula feed.
• enhances visual development and leads to better teeth and jaw development
• is cheap, convenient and results in less environmental waste and pollution

Suddenly after writing about this, I am reminded that I have now managed to meet most of these expections: 1. Aside from being supplemented directly after birth to help with jaundice, Gabby was otherwise breastfed the first 6 1/2 months of her life. 2. We co-sleep so Gabby sleeps in close proximity to me. This wasn't always the case. She started out in a bassinet next to me, then moved to the crib when she began sleeping through the night. Then she started teething and woke up too frequently for any of us to function - unless she was with us in bed. It works for us. 3. Gabby will be breastfed for at least the first year of her life and possibly beyond. We will wean when she shows me signs she is ready. The only thing that may factor into this is our desire to have another child. If we have to use clomid again, Gabby must be weaned first.

I am most proud of the fact that I gave up soy, milk, eggs and nuts for nearly 5 months so that I could continue breastfeeding Gabby. We still don't know which of those items was causing her problems, but we do know that the problems stopped once I cut them out of my diet and she will likely outgrow them by me doing so. So, I guess I am not as insufficient of a mother as I had previously posted to be after all!

Waiting for the day...

when Gabby doesn't cry when I leave her at daycare. For awhile there, she seemed to like the idea of being at daycare. Now, she clings and cringes and cries as soon as she notices me starting to make my escape. Rarely does the crying continue once I exit the door, but today it did. And it intensified. I wanted nothing more than to open the door again and take her into my arms. But experience has taught me that this is not the answer. It only leads to prolonging the inevitable and making me late for work. So now I sit here at my computer feeling guilty and terrible all at the same time.

This added to the fact that I, according to my mother, nearly let Gabby choke last Sunday really is making me feel like a failure. My mother says my back was turned to Gabby as she was choking on a bite of chicken. I was talking to Jodi and heard her cough, looked at her and could tell something was wrong. I picked her up and patted her hard on her back as she spit out the piece of chicken and pointed to my glass of water. I still don't think that my back was turned to her and I know that I moved quickly once I realized what was going on. My mind was racing with what to do next - rehearsing how to perform the heimlich on an infant. Luckily, it didn't come to that. But still, I am feeling way insufficient lately. I know that my mother didn't mean for me to feel that way, but it still sounded and felt like a jab at my parenting skills.