Daycare is doing me in

I haven't posted for awhile. Without boring anybody or grossing them out, let me just say that our absence is due to a stomach bug and that we are all feeling MUCH better now. Enough said.

Now on to the reason why Daycare is killing me.

I work for a few reasons. First, my employer offers wonderful benefits and my retirement package is quite nice - especially considering the fact that I technically work for a state that puts very little towards education funding. I have paid vacations and sick leave, a flexible boss, half-priced tuition should I choose to return to school. Sure the pay isn't anything to shout about, but the pro's outweigh the con's of working where I work. I was offered a job 2 years back in the private sector that I almost considered leaving this job for. But in the end, the benefits here were better and my department matched the pay difference I was offered so I stayed.

My job doesn't really put me out too much either. It is a five minute commute from my house and Gabby's school. My boss is great and as flexible as she can be too. And on some days, I am busy enough to fill my day and feel as if I have almost accomplished something. I even get to help people out on occassion.

Notice that nowhere in my diatribe have I said that I love my work. In all honesty, I don't really know what kind of work I am meant to be doing. I actually am jealous of those who know exactly what they want to be when they grow up to be honest. But this is all besides the point.

What I am trying to say is that I mostly work to get my family health insurance and to send my daughter to daycare. How sad is that? And to make matters worse, daycare is doing me in financially, emotionally and physically.

Financially, daycare accounts for most of my wages. Does that make any sense at all? I mean I work to pay somebody else to watch my daughter for me. I don't love my job. I don't have a 'career' or even a corporate ladder to climb. I don't know what I want to be when I grow up. How sad is that?

Gabby has fun at school. This I know. She plays inside and out. She draws, paints, sings, eats and naps. She has friends and absolutly wonderful teachers. I lucked out when I found this place. I trust them with the most valuable thing that exists in my life, my daughter. I am convinced that she has so much fun there that I sometimes wonder if she would be having more fun at school then staying home with me to tell you the truth.

To be honest, I still feel badly about the fact that I cannot take care of her myself each day. I am envious that I am not there painting, singing and playing with her all day long. Sometimes I feel like half of what a mother should be. Then there is the side of me that says I have a life as well. I am responsible and able to make a living and support my family. I can do it all. But that isn't true. I can do all that I can handle, but not all of everything and that is ok. So there is the emotional drawback of daycare for me.

Now to the physical drawback of daycare - it is a germy place. Gabby seems to catch everything that goes around that joint! And guess what...I catch it all from her. As does her father, her grandmother and even her cousins. People keep telling me that after the age of two this too will diminish. Oh yeah? Well that is another 10+ months away. I am American. I want a quick fix damn it!

I know that being a working mother is a bittersweet circle firsthand. I don't know what the quick fix is. I don't know how stay at home mothers do it day in and day out. I don't know how those families can afford to only have one parent work. I work 30 hours a week in an attempt to have part of both worlds. I still keep my benefits and get Fridays off of work to play with Gabby, even though most Fridays are now spent driving my 85 year old Grandmother to get her hair done at the JC Penny hair salon for Grannies. I still have to pay for full-time childcare even though Gabby doesn't usually go on Fridays.

Is this really the best of both worlds? I don't know. What I do know is that in an ideal world, I would be super mom that stays home in a clean house, cooking healthy meals for my family, with daily visits to the park and mommy & me gatherings. It doesn't hurt to dream, it only hurts to reach those ideals because they are not reachable.