Waiting for the day...

when Gabby doesn't cry when I leave her at daycare. For awhile there, she seemed to like the idea of being at daycare. Now, she clings and cringes and cries as soon as she notices me starting to make my escape. Rarely does the crying continue once I exit the door, but today it did. And it intensified. I wanted nothing more than to open the door again and take her into my arms. But experience has taught me that this is not the answer. It only leads to prolonging the inevitable and making me late for work. So now I sit here at my computer feeling guilty and terrible all at the same time.

This added to the fact that I, according to my mother, nearly let Gabby choke last Sunday really is making me feel like a failure. My mother says my back was turned to Gabby as she was choking on a bite of chicken. I was talking to Jodi and heard her cough, looked at her and could tell something was wrong. I picked her up and patted her hard on her back as she spit out the piece of chicken and pointed to my glass of water. I still don't think that my back was turned to her and I know that I moved quickly once I realized what was going on. My mind was racing with what to do next - rehearsing how to perform the heimlich on an infant. Luckily, it didn't come to that. But still, I am feeling way insufficient lately. I know that my mother didn't mean for me to feel that way, but it still sounded and felt like a jab at my parenting skills.